Self Reflection & honest truth

A whole lot runs across the human mind.

But it takes a great mind to acknowledge the inappropriate thoughts, admit they really are and then find solutions to them.

I lose focus easily. I am not intentional about my life. I don't seem to be at the driving seat of my life or perhaps I am but just like a figurine on the seat. 

Life seems to be controlling and directing me while I just follow as it leads. I'm not a goal getter either, being that I don't make plans and stick to it no matter what.

Yeah, I want a certain kindof life, I actually try to work hard for it but I don't stand strong when the test gets tough. I chicken out easily, I go back on my words, I surrender to trials, temptations & obstacles probably because I always don't mind starting over again but the truth is..., how long am I going to continue like this?

Will I ever achieve  the desired result with this kindof effort?

Why do I seem to expect God to do everything for me. To make it all easy in every way?

Why am I so lazy & reluctant to discipline myself to stand strong much longer until I achieve the desired result?

Can God ever assign big tasks to me being a weakling?

The worse of it is that I know these things, I have an idea of how it works, I seem to know the truth but just can't push myself and hold up enough to make the required change.

My life just seems to be revolving round a cycle.

My spiritual life is nothing to write home about. Yet, sometimes I persuade and encourage others to do better, draw closer to God, build up their spiritual life while myself I can't make the required sacrifices even though I know them.

It is just about bracing up myself and staying focused on my plans while also believing in God and trusting Him completely no matter what,

But that seems to me like mission impossible.

I'm not well grounded in the word of God. 

I can't help myself draw closer to Him even when I have too many opportunities to.

I don't even seem to believe in God enough to practice what he commands, I'm just kindof carnally minded while religious.

Who then am I decieving?

And who's fault is it too?

And then, the worst of it all..., I regret being created, regret being in existence while yet I ask God to forgive me for having such thought or mind set.

What exactly is my problem?

Or rather, what exactly is the way forward for me?

How can I help myself or instead How can I get help?

Prayer?

But do I even believe in prayer enough for it to work for me?

Oh God, please help my unbelieve.

Help me, save me, whether I believe or not.

Let the result which is your response bring about my strong believe, I pray thee.